The Fray "You Found Me"

"In the end everyone ends up alone". I am beginning to realize that the only one I can count on is myself. Ultimately I have to be strong enough to pick myself up when I am down. This is hard to see however, when you are at your breaking point. I would like to think that the strength I know I have, could find me when I need it most. It never does, and if an ounce of it makes it to my consciousness it is often fought with resistance. There is someone in my life who I should be able to look to for strength, but unfortunately that person doesn't have the strength they need to help them self. It makes me angry sometimes, this fact of life. The one person I crave to pick me up, someone I know knows, and I know understands, doesn't do anything. If you can't help yourself, you can't help others. You can't love until you love yourself. How can I expect them to though? 

Its hard for me to talk about weaknesses because on my exterior I strive to be stable, striving and accomplished. It is a daily struggle to live a full life every day. It doesn't help when I make an effort with people I thought would care, but won't make the time. Why does our world make it so hard for people to communicate without fear? The problem is fear I suppose. Fear of the unknown. 

I am thankful for the precious people in my life that are there to pick me up. You know who you are. There were times I thought I was losing you. It scared me so much. It set me back. I know now I don't have to worry. Sometimes I don't always have the courage to say what I feel. At this turning point in my life I know I need to be honest with the people who love me. It isn't easy. If I can, everything will change. I have a bittersweet relationship with change. It comes at the worst times, leaves you in the dust, wondering "when did things change, and how will I be different as a result?" Is there ever a good time to make a change, or do you just have to go for it? 

"I found God on the corner". I found God 4 years ago. I haven't lost Him, but I feel I have lost my concept of Him. It isn't that I've lost faith. I am struggling once again with His role in my life, his role in this world, and how I can be connected to Him on a daily basis. Maybe it's just that I have become less conscious of His presence. I think self consciousness goes hand in hand with God consciousness. Isn't he essentially our "self"? The awareness we have of our spirit, our true selves, is God moving through us. So as I have lost touch with myself, so have I with God. Now the question is how to get these both back. "Who I am, who I'm not, who I wanna be. No way to know." Awareness is always the first step. At midnight on this bitter cold night, I hope I have the courage to turn the corner. 

"Surrounded, surrounded". A thought that passes my mind often is how lonely someone can feel when they are surrounded with so many people. Has our world become more self absorbed? Have we stopped depending on each other, looking out for one another? Or have I become self absorbed, self dependent and selfish? I would hope that neither is the case. I think everyone craves human connection. Do we crowd busses and brush past people in the mall, only to have a moment of touch and connection with another human being? The other day, my friend asked a customer service representative how their day was going, and they looked surprised that she was asking. Has human kind become too used to unfriendly, cold, disconnected communication? Can we blame technology, or our irresponsible over consumption of it? 

This song on repeat for the last half hour has brought to culmination the last four months of my circling thoughts. It all comes back to, "In the end everyone ends up alone". It shouldn't take a tragedy before we decide to make a connection, to ourselves and others. It should also be acceptable to. Having faith is about trusting yourself.